New Research Says Talking Dogs Live Longer

Scientists at the Blankenship College for Veterinary Sciences in Secaucus, New Jersey have proven that talking dogs have a life expectancy far longer than those of their non-talking canine brethren. "We followed 200 talking dogs, and 200 non-talking dogs during the last 20 years, and we found overwhelming evidence pointing to the conclusion that talking dogs live longer." So says Dr. Alfred Mybootshurt, who headed up the lengthy study. Of the 200 talking dogs, the average lifespan was 16.3 years, compared to the mute pooches, whose lifespan came out to an average 10.4 years. "Maybe talking dogs find life more interesting, beause they are able to discuss their problems and concerns," says Mybootshurt. "As opposed to the non-talkers, who are relegated to a lifetime of loneliness and isolation, with nobody to talk to."

Pope Pinches Pooch; Pup Poops!

A group of German St. Bernard's visited the Vatican today to pay homage to Pope Benedict XVI. When the Pope, a great lover of dogs, gave one of the pooches a friendly pinch on his haunch, the poor pup let go an embarrassing payload of poop--right on the pungent Pontiff's silk slipper! Said a Vatican insider "The dog's owner was mortified! But His Holiness simply shook the poop off the soiled slipper and blessed the relieved dog."

CrushClub Exclusive: Neil Patrick Harris Signs on to "Adobe PhotoShop: The Musical!"

Sources on The Great White Way are reporting that Neil Patrick Harris has signed on for the broadway production of "Adobe Photoshop: The Musical!" Adobe Photoshop, or simply Photoshop, is a graphics editing program developed and published by Adobe Systems. It is the current market leader for commercial bitmap and image manipulation software, and is the flagship product of Adobe Systems. It has been described as "an industry standard for graphics professionals" and was one of the early "killer applications" on the Macintosh, later also for MS Windows. Hoofer, belter and thesp Harris will reportedly play a lonely young graphic artist living below Times Square, who photoshops pictures of himself with various "dream women" who miraculously come alive after he spills a magic-infused Starbucks coffee on his computer keyboard. "It's a cross between "Nine" and "Little Shop of Horrors," said one Broadway insider. Being considered for the roles of the dream women are Audra McDonald, Sutton Foster, Harvey Fierstein, Leslie Kritzer, Christine Ebersole and Kristin Chenoweth.

Breaking News: Snuggies Cure Cancer

Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have discovered a cure for cancer: Snuggies, The revolutionary toga-like blanket that keeps you totally warm and gives you the freedom to use your hands! According to a 2-year Mayo research study with 307 cancer patients, Snuggie's increase life expectancy by over 53%. "We're not sure how exactly the Snuggie works, but we know for certain it's a significantly positive therapy in addition to conventional cancer treatments." The Mayo Cancer Center has ordered 40,000 Snuggies. The first step in every new cancer treatment will be to wrap the patient up in a warm, cozy Snuggie, followed by radiation and chemo.

Nicole Kidman Comes Clean About Scientology: "It's Just a Big Poker Game!"

Babelicious beauty Nicole Kidman, who, for years has refused to spill the beans on the shenanigans that go on within the guarded walls of Scientology, has finally decided to sing like a canary. "It's a giant floating poker game, that's all." The curvaceous Kidman went on to say that there is quite a bit of cigar smoking, beer drinking, flatulance and cussing at the games inside the Los Angeles Scientology Center on Franklin Avenue. "It's a regular saloon!" She exclaimed. "They love to eat pizza and cold cut sandwiches, and just let it all hang out."

Justin Bieber Gets First Pubic Hair. Shaves It.

Sources close to Justin Bieber have reported that the pint-sized Rap Rajah has grown his first pubic hair. "It was about a half an inch long," says the insider. Bieber promptly shaved the hair off. "Justin thought it was kind of gross," explained one of the Bieber Inner Circle Confidantes. When asked if the pubic hair will be sold on eBay, or displayed for Bieber's fans, Bieber's reps had no comment.

Lindsay Lohan Has Her Head on Backwards

Sources close to Lindsay Lohan says it's no surprise that the skinny starlet gets in so much trouble, because the fact is, she has her head on backwards. "All the shenanigans you've heard about in the tabloids are true," says one loyal Lindsay supporter. "But it's no mystery," the friend adds. "Lindsay has her head on backwards!" According to Dr. Herbert Lojulle at Mt. Sinai Beverly Hills, "backwards head" is a rare side effect of NPD, or narcissistic personality disorder. "Ms. Lohan has a particularly bad case of head on backwards," said Dr. Lojulle. SHe will have to work very hard with a team of specialists to screw her head on straight. I wish her luck." Amen.