New Research Says Talking Dogs Live Longer

Scientists at the Blankenship College for Veterinary Sciences in Secaucus, New Jersey have proven that talking dogs have a life expectancy far longer than those of their non-talking canine brethren. "We followed 200 talking dogs, and 200 non-talking dogs during the last 20 years, and we found overwhelming evidence pointing to the conclusion that talking dogs live longer." So says Dr. Alfred Mybootshurt, who headed up the lengthy study. Of the 200 talking dogs, the average lifespan was 16.3 years, compared to the mute pooches, whose lifespan came out to an average 10.4 years. "Maybe talking dogs find life more interesting, beause they are able to discuss their problems and concerns," says Mybootshurt. "As opposed to the non-talkers, who are relegated to a lifetime of loneliness and isolation, with nobody to talk to."

Pope Pinches Pooch; Pup Poops!

A group of German St. Bernard's visited the Vatican today to pay homage to Pope Benedict XVI. When the Pope, a great lover of dogs, gave one of the pooches a friendly pinch on his haunch, the poor pup let go an embarrassing payload of poop--right on the pungent Pontiff's silk slipper! Said a Vatican insider "The dog's owner was mortified! But His Holiness simply shook the poop off the soiled slipper and blessed the relieved dog."

CrushClub Exclusive: Neil Patrick Harris Signs on to "Adobe PhotoShop: The Musical!"

Sources on The Great White Way are reporting that Neil Patrick Harris has signed on for the broadway production of "Adobe Photoshop: The Musical!" Adobe Photoshop, or simply Photoshop, is a graphics editing program developed and published by Adobe Systems. It is the current market leader for commercial bitmap and image manipulation software, and is the flagship product of Adobe Systems. It has been described as "an industry standard for graphics professionals" and was one of the early "killer applications" on the Macintosh, later also for MS Windows. Hoofer, belter and thesp Harris will reportedly play a lonely young graphic artist living below Times Square, who photoshops pictures of himself with various "dream women" who miraculously come alive after he spills a magic-infused Starbucks coffee on his computer keyboard. "It's a cross between "Nine" and "Little Shop of Horrors," said one Broadway insider. Being considered for the roles of the dream women are Audra McDonald, Sutton Foster, Harvey Fierstein, Leslie Kritzer, Christine Ebersole and Kristin Chenoweth.

Breaking News: Snuggies Cure Cancer

Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have discovered a cure for cancer: Snuggies, The revolutionary toga-like blanket that keeps you totally warm and gives you the freedom to use your hands! According to a 2-year Mayo research study with 307 cancer patients, Snuggie's increase life expectancy by over 53%. "We're not sure how exactly the Snuggie works, but we know for certain it's a significantly positive therapy in addition to conventional cancer treatments." The Mayo Cancer Center has ordered 40,000 Snuggies. The first step in every new cancer treatment will be to wrap the patient up in a warm, cozy Snuggie, followed by radiation and chemo.

Nicole Kidman Comes Clean About Scientology: "It's Just a Big Poker Game!"

Babelicious beauty Nicole Kidman, who, for years has refused to spill the beans on the shenanigans that go on within the guarded walls of Scientology, has finally decided to sing like a canary. "It's a giant floating poker game, that's all." The curvaceous Kidman went on to say that there is quite a bit of cigar smoking, beer drinking, flatulance and cussing at the games inside the Los Angeles Scientology Center on Franklin Avenue. "It's a regular saloon!" She exclaimed. "They love to eat pizza and cold cut sandwiches, and just let it all hang out."

Justin Bieber Gets First Pubic Hair. Shaves It.

Sources close to Justin Bieber have reported that the pint-sized Rap Rajah has grown his first pubic hair. "It was about a half an inch long," says the insider. Bieber promptly shaved the hair off. "Justin thought it was kind of gross," explained one of the Bieber Inner Circle Confidantes. When asked if the pubic hair will be sold on eBay, or displayed for Bieber's fans, Bieber's reps had no comment.

Lindsay Lohan Has Her Head on Backwards

Sources close to Lindsay Lohan says it's no surprise that the skinny starlet gets in so much trouble, because the fact is, she has her head on backwards. "All the shenanigans you've heard about in the tabloids are true," says one loyal Lindsay supporter. "But it's no mystery," the friend adds. "Lindsay has her head on backwards!" According to Dr. Herbert Lojulle at Mt. Sinai Beverly Hills, "backwards head" is a rare side effect of NPD, or narcissistic personality disorder. "Ms. Lohan has a particularly bad case of head on backwards," said Dr. Lojulle. SHe will have to work very hard with a team of specialists to screw her head on straight. I wish her luck." Amen.

Barbara Eden Confession: "I really AM a Genie!"

Barbara Eden has rocked the Hollywood community this morning with a confession that she really is a bona fide Genie. Said Miss Eden from her Bel Air home, "Yes, I am a Genie. It's true." Beloved by television audiences for her role as Jeannie on "I Dream of Jeannie" from 1965 to 1970, Miss Eden said "I have been doing so much soul-searching and I had to tell the truth." By her side sat co-star Larry Hagman, who said nothing, as this is one of his "quiet days" when he doesn't speak. He held up a small, hand-written note for reporters that read "Yes, she is a Genie. I support Barbara 100%." Miss Eden told reporters that her agent discovered her on a trip to Morocco in 1957. "I'm actually 2,374 years old," said the bubbly blonde Genie. "Izzy Weingrod, an agent from William Morris, found my lamp at a bazaar, rubbed it, and out I came." She explained that one of Mr. Weingrod's three wishes was "to make me a TV star. I was obligated to do it." And the rest was history. Weingrod fabricated a bio for Miss Eden, stating that she was born Barbara Jean Morehead in Tucson, Arizona, in 1934. "Well, that was all a bunch of hooey! But that was Izzy for you." Miss Eden says that she will return to Morocco to re-establish her roots there, and perhaps open a chain of high end restaurants.

Will Smith drops out of MIB because of Gay Aliens

According to sources on Hollywood and Vine, actor Will Smith has dropped out of Men in Black 3 because he can no longer support gay aliens. Insiders close to Smith say that the actor believes that a large percentage of aliens in other universes are gay, and he just can't condone that kind of lifestyle. Says one of Smith's close associates "Will kind of looked the other way with MIB1 and MIB2, but this time he felt he had to stick to his guns. He really believes that these aliens need to clean up their acts and stop their same-gender activities." Representatives from FFGAE (Freedom For Gay Aliens Everywhere) are up in arms about Smith's controversial decision. Says #@(*@_@#, an alien transgender lesbian from the Alta Centauri galaxy "Why does he have to pick on us? We're not hurting anybody. So what that I like to wrap my tentacles around another being of the same gender? What's the deal?" Smith was not available for comment.

Renee and Reese in Spa Brawl

Lovers Reese Witherspoon and Renee Zellwegger were involved in a tussle at a Los Angeles Korean spa yesterday. R&R, as they have been known around town since hooking up recently, were obviously out for a little R&R of their own when the trouble started. The girls were trying to relax at The Beverly Hot Springs, an under-the-radar "soak and massage" spa in East LA. The place is frequented by stars like John Travolta, people who don't want a lot of noteriety when they want to relax. Reese and Renee were in the sauna when they were approached by another customer named Beaulah Schwartz. "I asked Renee to move over so that I could sit down on the bench," says Schwartz. "Well! You would have thought I'd asked for her Oscar." The next thing she knew, punches were being thrown. "Reese socked me in the mouth! She thought I was trying to make the moves on her girlfriend!" Police were called to the location, and a spa insider says that the two Oscar winning lovebirds were whisked out of the place faster than Kim Chee on a slippery plate. Witherspoon and Zellwegger's reps had no comment.

Lesbians Don't Want the Housewife

Members of LOOC (Lesbians of Orange County) are reportedly mad as hell that Kimberleigh M. Zolciak, better known as Kim Zolciak, cast member of The Real Housewives, wants to join the party. "She's no lesbian! She's doing it for the attention," says Penelope Stromond, President of LOOC. "We don't want her. Tell her to go back to Big Poppa!" "Big Poppa" refers to the sugar daddy character whom Zolciak mysteriously refers to on the "Housewives" show. Famous lesbians everywhere have taken up the cause against The Real Housewife. Rosie O'Donnel, Ellen Degeneres, Reese Witherspoon, Renee Zellwegger, Courtney Love, Janice Dickenson, Maya Angelou and others are preparing a petition to submit to HCOLA (High Council of Lesbian Activities) to take official action against Zolciak. Says Mary de Phillber, High Priestess of the High Council, "Members of the Lesbos sect have no need for this woman. She shouldn't be able to identify herself as one of us. She will be warned."

Johnny Depp to Make "Sanford and Son" Feature Film

Sources on Hollywood and Vine say that Johnny Depp is this close to making a full-length feature film based on the beloved "Sanford and Son" television series. Sanford and Son starred comedian Redd Foxx as Fred G. Sanford, a 65-year-old junk dealer living in Watts. Depp will reprise Foxx's role. A source close to Depp's agent says "Johnny is over the moon. Sanford and Son was always one of his favorite shows. He watches it on DVD every night and laughs and laughs!" When questioned about the wisdom of Depp playing a 65 year old black man, the source replied, "Johnny Depp is first and foremost an actor. He is a thespian. There are no color or age or cultural boundaries that Johnny cannot overcome to play a role. He's a chameleon. He'll be more Fred Sanford than Redd Foxx was. Just you wait." The original show ran on NBC from 1972 to 1977. Demond Wilson played Foxx's son on the original show. Names being bandied about Tinseltown to play the role in the remake feature include Djimon Hounsou, Eddie Murphy, Will Smith, Jamie Foxx, Don Cheadle, Terrence Howard and Forest Whitaker. Actresses up for the Lawanda Page role of "Aunt Esther" the Bible-toting sister of Fred's late wife Elizabeth, include Diana Ross, Cicely Tyson, Diahann Carroll, Whoopi Goldberg, Angela Bassett, Halle Berry, Gabourey Sidibe, Queen Latifah and Jennifer Hudson. A casting insider informed us that Mo'Nique is in the front-running.

Madonna Throwing a Bar Mitzvah for the Glee Kids

As part of Madonna's deal with the producers of Glee, she will be throwing the student members of the Glee cast a giant Bar Mitzvah ceremony and party next month. Sources close to Madonna say "When the Glee producers approached Her Madgesty with the idea of a Madonna-themed Glee episode, she came back to them with some demands." One of the demands was a group Bar Mitzvah for all of the kids, basically converting them all to Judaism. A PA on the show says, "At first they balked, but they really wanted Madonna's music. The lady is a pro and she drives a hard bargain. Some of the cast didn't want to convert, but then they realized how much attention an "all Madonna music" episode of Glee would generate." One friend of the cast says the kids are studying Hebrew like crazy, trying to get ready for the ceremony. "Madonna wants them all to join Kabbalah," says the friend. "That's the ultimate goal of this whole Bar Mitzvah deal. But she wants them to be seasoned Jews before bringing them in." In addition to the Glee kids themselves, performing at the Bar Mitzvah party, which allegedly will be held in the Grand Ballroom of the Beverly Hills Hotel, will be Sting, Bette Midler, Cher, Connie Stevens, Rosie O'Donnel, Jesus Luz, Lourdes Ciccone, Britney Spears and Tom Jones. One of Madonna's executive team members says that "tickets for the Bar Mitzvah will be sold on Ticketmaster. Those are going to be the hottest tickets in town! They'll probably go for at least $20,000 a piece." He added that a portion of the proceeds will go to the children of Malawi.

Miley Cyrus Heading to Harvard

Sources at Harvard University say that teen pop princess Miley Cyrus will be teaching an undergrad course next year at Ivy League powerhouse. The class will be offered through the sociology department, and will be called "Juvenile Entertainment Megalomania: Theory and Epistomology." Miss Cyrus, who has no formal education, and has never attended school, will teach the seminar course 3 times a week. One university insider said "Miley is super-excited about this opportunity. She's seen Legally Blonde a thousand times, and she can't wait to walk to work through Harvard Yard." Hollywood execs and agents are curious as to how Cyrus will divide her time between the Cambridge, Mass. institution and her duties as a teen superstar in Los Angeles. A friend close to Miley assures us "It will be no problem. Miley is a genius. Really. Like...she can handle the biggest pressures and she's really smart."

My Two Gay Uncles

My Uncle Bradley the florist, and his boyfriend Tommy like to dress up and go to fancy places for dinner and drinks and entertainment.

Glamour Shots are All the Rage

All the kids are going to the mall for glamour shots. Here's a pretty little Miss who got in on the action. Flawless makeup, fierce fashion choice and way cool glasses complete the look.

Steven Seagal Has Adopted Yet another Panda!

How many pandas can one man singlehandedly adopt? According to Prince of Pandas Steven Seagal, "I have 16 pandas at home now. I don't see why I can't have 20 or 30. I'm certainly not stopping now. I love pandas." The burly bear of an action star developed his love of the black and white beauties several years ago while working on the film "Today You Die." "There was a panda in one of my fight scenes, and I fell in love. I never looked back." said Seagal. Best of luck to him and and Mr. Tibbles, pictured above.

Reese Witherspoon and Renee Zellwegger in Love

Sources close to actresses Renee Zellwegger and Reese Witherspoon are reporting that the actresses are deeply in love. "They met a while back at Bar 4 in the Beverly Hill Nieman Marcus," says a close friend of Reese's. "After a heavy day of shopping, Reese sat down for a Crantini and Renee happened to be there too. The gals shared a pitcher of the Crantinis and "the time just flew by." They met for a spinning class, and then lunch, and, as one of Zelly's confidantes stated, "Suddenly, one night after a nosh at Nate & Al's in Beverly Hills, they found themselves making out in the alley." Nobody could be more surprised than Reese and Renee themselves, as neither of them knew they were lesbians. R&R, as they are being called by Hollywood insiders, hope to adopt soon.

Sandra Bullock is Overwhelmed

Sandra Bullock is hiding in a hotel room in an undisclosed location, obsessively clicking the TV remote control channel changer, pacing back and forth between the sitting area and the bedroom, weeping, drinking Pinot Grigio, napping in the corner, and curling up in the fetal position.

Jerry Springer Has Baggage

Jerry Springer will be hosting a show called "Baggage" on the Game Show Network. Some show where people are humiliated and embarrassed when they are made to reveal dirty secrets in exchange for getting a date.

Reggie Bush is hot and breaking up with her.

Look at those abs. The whole package. He's hot. This is like an ad for an exercise program that they would sell on late night TV.

Britney's Not Sure

Britney Spears is basically not sure about anything.

Tatum and Ryan Together Again

Word on Hollywood and Vine is that Ryan and Tatum O'Neal are going to do a sequel to Paper Moon. Tentatively titled "Paper Moon 2: Resurrection" it revisits the father/daughter con-man and woman 40 years later. In the script, they are living in Miami Beach, hustling old Jewish ladies out of their inheritances to pay for plastic surgery and champagne. When Ryan's character falls in love with one of his cons, the drama ensues. Jane Fonda, Priscilla Presley, Angie Dickenson and Betty White are being considered for the love interest.

People are Saying Tom Cruise is Gay

People all over the place are saying Tom Cruise is gay.

Lindsay Lohan is Effed Up Again

The maybe bi-polar, always fascinating, sometime actress and girl-about-town was alledgedly seen imbibing some mind altering substances.

Betty White is Furious at Jesse James

"I love her with all my heart. [She's] one of the greatest human beings on the planet. We're all deeply, deeply saddened. At such a high point in her life, it's tough, but I think the less other people have to say about it and let her work it out … the better."